Fashion Star Review

I had planned to watch NBC’s Fashion Star when it debuted, but after reading recaps of the first episode, I didn’t get to it until last night. Initial reviews all made it clear that the show was a hot mess of fog machines, back up dancers and no real narrative. And it is that, for sure. But it is bad for so many more reasons, too!

• The stakes - The producers of this show missed the boat completely about what we love about Project Runway — the magic! The magic of someone turning 5 corn husks and $35 into a wearable dress in less than 8 hours. And they are doing it all by themselves! Not only that, but there are specific criteria their designs must meet, so they have to think on their feet. This show gives designers a full team of seamstresses, a pattern maker, and no discernible requirements for what to make or how much to spend. Obviously, that eliminates the drama, but it also eliminates the fun for viewers! Who cares that someone could make a pretty dress with a team of 12 people in what may or may not have been under a month? Not me!
• The “buyers” – Non-descript, boring and without any built in credibility except for the logos they sit behind, the people who ultimately make the decision might as well be the banker on Deal or No Deal.
• The characters – So little time is spent on the designers that it’s impossible to care about any of them. On one hand you can appreciate that it’s a different take for a reality show. On the other hand, if it ain’t broke – don’t fix it. The reason reality competitions do well is because they give us someone to root for (and against). In this show, the designers are all pretty inter-changeable. Without backstory or context, who cares?
• The designs – Commercial designs are kind of boring to begin with. THESE commercial designs do not deserve to be on TV. The things these people send down the runway as part of a fashion competition are embarrassing. Exhibit A:  Two lovely spring jackets that you already have in your closet in triplicate. One was supposedly interesting because it was yellow! Which, by the way, the buyer claimed was ridiculous. Mostly — they are just the same spring coats you got at Old Navy or Target seven years ago and still pull out every Easter. Lovely! $29.99! And for sure not appropriate for a TV design competition in 2012.  Exhibit B:  Two polka dot full-skirt strapless dresses that might have come straight from the 1995 Maurice’s display window. It’s not that they aren’t cute. They are! That is why juniors stores have been carrying this dress for a full 50 f’ing years. Granted these two were the more pedestrian of the entires, but the “winners” really weren’t much more exciting.

One thing I’m not listing as a “bad” part of Fashion Star is the “mentors” — John Varvatos, Nicole Ritchie and Jessica Simpson.  John V. is appropriately bitchy. Nicole actually comes off smart if conceited. And J. Simp really does seem like a nice gal to throw margaritas back with. Best of all, the interplay between them is so entertaining. You can practically feel John V. and Nicole R. roll their eyes every time J. Simp says something. Too bad the show that was built around them doesn’t have anything else worth coming back for.

5 Ways to Help “Smash”

“Smash” is coming back for season two. This is likely more surprising to those of us who’ve watched it every week than to those who’ve never seen it. Because this show, despite the major marketing support, is really, really bad. The kind of bad that goes to new heights week in and week out. But it’s not hopeless. Here are some ideas to get it back on track.

1. Find a hero. Who am I supposed to be rooting for in this show? Not Karen, the so naive she’s annoying rube. Or Ivy, the beyond self-centered “whoa is me” starlet that is probably uber-realistic, but painful to watch. Julia? Cheater. Tom? Over-acter. Eileen? Caricature face-slapper and late in life bar discoverer. Give me someone to root for – flawed heroes are OK, as long as they are engaging and have just a teeny tiny bit of depth.
2. Quit the singing if it doesn’t make sense. Which is more ridiculous? The bowling number or the Ivy and Karen duet with the street person?? Trick question! It’s Julia’s husband playing Rock Band and singing to her!
3. Stop playing to the rafters. There was a whole episode about how hard it is to learn to be a chorus girl and blend into the scenery. The advice was to stop playing to the rafters. Unfortunately, the vast majority of secondary characters did not take this advice. Distractingly so.
4. Drop the drama. The voiceover guy has got to go. The overwrought sense of drama around the whole affair just makes it so much more ridiculous when it is ridiculous. 
5. Kill Ellis. Having him switch hit to land the star actually interested me a little. But just a very, very little. Unfortunately it’s too late for this sorry character. I don’t want to spend time with him, and I don’t know anyone who would.

The only redeeming factor in the show is Derek. Oh sure he’s a horrible person, but he has charisma and I actually believe him most of the time. And the happy memories from Coupling (and… this) don’t wear off all that easy.

One Tree Hill — from Ludicrous to Boring?

One Tree Hill has been many things. It’s been heartbreaking (Keith’s murder), melodramatic (Peyton’s cyberstalker), ridiculous (Nanny Carrie), sexy (Julian), funny (Chris Keller), thoughtful (CMM and his furrowed brow), action packed (too many crazy storylines to name), love triangle-tacular (Brooke, CMM and Peyton — come on, don’t deny it) and often traumatizing (Dan’s heart being eaten by a dog, for one; Deb and Skillz, for another).

But until now, it has never been boring. Unfortunately, the start of the final season has had me scratching my head wondering if this is the same damn show. A snapshot of the storylines:

• Clay has a major problem — a secret problem! He’s…..sleepwalking!! (dun dun dun!)
• Mouth gets fat. Millie is sad. Seriously, that’s the whole storyline.
• Hailey’s diner needs a cook! And the competition across the street is mean.
• Brooke wants to golf with her dad, is sad to find out she was only invited to lunch.

Sure there are other things lurking in the background — namely, Dan. No really, every time someone is talking, Dan is lurking there in the background. Obviously this is supposed to make us worry about what he’s going to get himself up to. But this is OTH!! We don’t spend four episodes worrying about what Dan might do! We see Dan murder three midgets and then become a tele-evangelist, while his ex-wife passes out in a cocktail of booze and pills, all before the introductory music montage is over. Now we are stuck watching Dan lurk while waiting for Nathan to return from “Europe,” so he can listen to his son ask him to please let Grandpa stay.

OK, we did have a “left a baby in the car” scare with Julian a few weeks ago. Now that is something that really happens and it’s heartbreaking. But when your most interesting/dangerous storyline involves a working parent who’s stressed out and screws up on the way to daycare — well I think you might have left the realm of escapism a little too quickly there.

I am confident that the teddy bear of doom left laying the gutter as Nathan didn’t make it home last week portends bigger, more dramatic and hopefully crazy happenings. If not, OTH is destined to go out with a whimper. In a way this whole strategy– the getting fat, leaving kids in cars, job stress storylines — are reminiscent of the final season of 90210 where they made Steve Sanders trade in the ‘vette for a minivan. As if to say — “Look people, there is nothing left to see here anyway, just go on and be boring old grown ups.” I didn’t buy it with 90210, and I don’t with OTH either.

 

Weighing In on the Commercials

Apparently everyone with an internet connection is required to weigh on in this important national issue: the Super Bowl Commercials.

My five favorites were:

• The Honda Ferris commercial, because even though I saw it last week and yes, there could have been more, I truly love Ferris and thought it was clever.
• The Hyundai Cheetah commercial, because it made me chuckle and I didn’t see it coming.
• The Clint Eastwood Detroit commercial, because it reminds me of last year’s Eminem commercial.
• The naked M&Ms commercial, because naked chocolate is vaguely sexy.
• The Beckham H&M commercial, because nearly naked Beckham is overtly sexy.
• The dog training Volkswagen commercial, because I need to get in shape like that dog did.

These were the ones I liked the least…or didn’t like the most?:

• The end of the dog training Volkswagen commercial, with the Star Wars meta reference to last year’s commercial. Look I have nothing against Star Wars. I don’t like a brand bragging that last year’s commercial was so damn witty. I didn’t really think it was that witty.
• The Polar Bears Coke commercial. First, I don’t believe polar bears drink Coke. Second, why would they drink it out of a glass bottle? That is just not practical. No one drinks Coke out of a glass bottle anymore. (I really wanted the payoff to be that it was a plastic bottle all along. Wouldn’t that have been better?)
• GoDaddy…it’s old. Why is Danica still in on this? There isn’t a joke to be a part of any more?
• The Doritos dog murderer of the cat. I just didn’t think it was that clever.
• The Bridgestone series. Boring, not funny, too much fire power not put to good use.
• Bud Light Platinum. Yawn for the commercial, and the beer.

Kevin Bacon Comes to TV

Kevin Bacon Comes to TV

Following in his wife’s lovely footsteps. Can’t wait to see him on a weekly basis

Three Wierdest Things About the RHOBH Reunion: Part 1

1. Adrienne is genuinely offended by the phrase “The Maloof Hoof?” I mean there are so many worse things to say about those shoes, and I’m sure Lisa wanted to say them. But “The Maloof Hoof” really is a stupid pun, not an offensive comment.

2. Kyle is genuinely offended that Lisa stated she wants for attention because she did the splits on a table? You did the splits on the table! You are a middle aged woman! Get it together.

3. I kind of like Bernie the chef hating Lisa. But did we just spend that much time on Bernie the chef?

Whatever Happened To J.D. McCoy?

I'm really loving Friday Night Lights, still. Despite the fact that the core cast has turned over multiple times,   and Riggins is nowhere to be seen. THAT is the sign of a good show, my friends. But I am really annoyed at one thing: where is J.D. McCoy? East Dillon played the Dillon Panthers a few weeks ago. There was one assistant coach we remember. But no J.D. or his bad dad. And this is perplexing, because it was because of J.D. and his bad dad that Coach Taylor had to leave Dillon. So when I'm thinking they are playing one another, it should be a big deal. J.D. was a sophomore the first season Coach Taylor left and would only be a junior today. So….where?

And yes maybe I'm obsessing but here's the thing. This is a show that makes stuff like that matter. If they want to trot out Jason Street, and delight in his marriage and success — and we remember. We do. Then you have to remember these other people too. So — where are you J.D.???

P.S. — It is entirely possible this has been explained and I missed that episode or watched it in a wine haze. If so, please fill me in, and I apologize for the above rant.

90210 Poetry, Revisited Part II

This is the long but heartfelt poem I wrote at the end of the series. Clearly, I do not make my living as a poet. Enjoy!

Goodbye.

Ten years sped by, it's gone so fast,
High school, college, in the past.
And now they force us to move on
But the gang we love will never be gone.

Through fake Christmas snow and ten thousand lays,
Debbie Gibson, the Stones and Eric Benet,
Ten Santa Anas, ten summer heats,
Through Gil Meyers teachings and the Beverly Beat.

The Peach Pit is now a night time bar,
Casa Walsh is where the Sanders' are,
Jim and Cindy are in Hong Kong,
Brandon in DC, Brenda gone for so long.

Andrea's a Yalie, Val just skipped town,
Donna designed her own wedding gown.
David's a DJ, Kelly is an exec,
Dylan is still just richer than heck.

How far they have come, Steve is a Dad!
Wasn't it yesterday they saw Color me Badd?
So many lovers, so many near deaths,
So many addictions, even crystal meth.

Brandon went from the Blaze to the New York Times
He certainly saved the day many times.
His lovers were frequent, his politics loud,
He never ceased to make his parents proud.

Except for maybe when doing the professors wife,
Or the gambling that almost ruined his life.
His cancelled wedding to Kelly was also not good.
We know he'd marry her now if only he could.

Dylan vied with his buddy for the prettiest girl,
He ditched Brenda and asked Kel to travel the world.
We have always known that she was the one
But there were lots of problems before it was done.

Through his wife's death and addiction to smack,
Through shots of tequila and Dad! Your back!
Dylan's survived and become a good man,
A college diploma, and maybe Kelly's hand.

She has a PR firm, no longer the slut,
From rich bitch to princess, we love her so much.
So many things have happened to her:
The shooting, amnesia, the cult and its lure.

A rape, a miscarriage, two weddings called off,
Countless bad boyfriends, coke in Colin's loft.
One lesbian crush, one single white friend,
And still she has that great hair in the end.

Donna's gone from flat boobs to holy cleave!
A couple of nose jobs, rarely any sleeves.
She held on to virginity for six long years
And gave it up to David with nary a beer.

Overcoming dyslexia, she designs trendy clothes,
She had two stalkers, they caused many woes.
Ray Pruitt beat her, wasn't he great?
Thank God they let Donna Martin Graduate.

David still dances, he's really can move,
Even manic depression can't stop his groove.
He slutted around and became a Don Juan
He got crabs and rap career, I hope they're BOTH gone.

Steve has a wife, and – lo- it's not me,
He's grown since he stole that legacy key.
A minivan now, long gone is the vette,
He'll have a mid life crisis in one year I bet.

We'll never forget his KEG house hijinks,
The laughs, the beers, the smiling winks,
Making out with a man, cheating at school,
And somehow he made it all seem so cool.

Brenda we miss, but it has been six years
Can you think of Jim and Cindy without having tears?
Val and Andrea, always in my mind,
Clare, Nat, Scott Scanlon, we won't leave behind.

What is next for the gang that we love?
Some insight from heaven? Some word from above?
Happily ever after, friends for life?
Making it safely, without any strife?

Will Kelly and Dylan make it down the aisle?
"Third times the charm," she'll say with a smile.
Alas its a dream, we will never know
If they make it forever or til the very next show.

But we'll always have these memories,
The lessons learned better than degrees:
Dress well and look nice, every day,
Start a store and make your own way.

Overcome your addictions, there are always more,
Forgive and forget if ever you're sore.
Eat pie at a diner and drink with your buds,
Never worry too much about having funds.

Raise a champagne glass once in a while,
When pals have a tear, give them a smile.
Remain true to yourself, and always stay friends,
They make it possible to dance at the end.

Goodbye, Gang.

90210 Poetry, Revisted

I orignially wrote this poem for Brandon's last episode of Beverly HIlls, 90210. I rerun it now in honor of 9/02/10. Enjoy!

For Brandon, Wherever I May Find Him (a poem for a sad day)

With teary eyes and heavy hearts
We watch as our dear friend departs.
A leader, a buddy, he'd give you a hand-o,
How will we live without our bro Brando?

It seems like only yesterday they moved into this town,
Two twins from the midwest, their spirits very down.
But Brando and Brenda made their place, and their phone it rang.
Sooner than you can say "Bro", they had their little gang.

Say what you will about the gang:
Donna's a virgin, Andrea a brain.
But there is one thing that has always been clear:
Brando is the leader, the leader sans fear.

His hair is hard, his smile gleams
But Brando is not pure as he seems.
Remember all of the girls he has had?
Susan, Tracy, their endings weren't sad.

But some of his loves were very true.
His "wedding" to Kelly, made us feel blue.
He had seen her through diet pills, fire and coke,
Her joining the cult was really no joke.

He promised to love her for eternity,
But in the end, it was not to be.
Better friends than lovers, they tried to say,
But still held it out, for just one more lay.

Then there was Nikki, that little tramp,
She had an ex-boyfriend that beat her with a lamp.
A lets not forget Emily, and the float all on fire,
Brando makes women lose control with desire.

Luckily, Brando has friends a plenty.
He lets most live at his house, without paying renty.
He worked at the peach pit and was there for Nat,
He flipped burgers, smiled, and wore a gay hat.

When Steve gets in trouble, he is always there,
He won't even make fun of his buddy for losing his hair.
He compliments David on his hip-hop groove,
But Brando himself won't dance–not even one move.

Andrea got knocked up, and he wasn't frosty,
Even if deep down, he thought she was a prosty.
With his pal Dylan he was there many times
While Dylan downed cuervo–without any limes!!!

When Dylan started to shoot up the drugs,
Brando intervened and gave many hugs.
He was there when Dyl's wife got shot and died,
And stood there strongly, as his buddy cried.

We know that he really does love his sister,
Even if he never has said that he missed her.
He supported her through her breast cancer scare,
When she thought Dylan got her pregnant, Brando was there.

His parents are gone, and soon he will be too,
But we must never forget all he taught us to do:
Work for your money, eat ice cream when sad,
Love your mother, shoot hoops with your dad.

Follow your dreams and start your own paper
Take your buds to Hawaii, for one crazy caper.
Wear your hair how you want–don't listen to trends,
And always be there for each one of your friends.

Goodbye, Bro.

 

Reality Junkie

In the fall I found myself without lots of appointment television. Not so anymore. I am all the way back into The Amazing Race and Survivor.

First, the Race. I haven’t watched the last couple of seasons, despite the fact that I really love it. It just stopped being necessary for me, and it’s definitely a show, for me, that if you miss the first of a season you are out for a while. But hearing the Jeff and Jordan, my two faves from the most recent Big Brother season, would be on made me jump back in. And I’m so glad I did. The teams are fun to watch and some are not even too evil! I love Jeff and Jordan but also am rooting for the Cowboys. I started off with lots of sympathy for the Miss Teen South Carolina of youtube fame, but she has a way of eeking that sympathy out of you, no? I like the dad and daughter that we’ve hardly seen yet – bad sign or good sign? And find the Lesbians from LA a little insufferable. There’s also a Jon Gosselin wannabe (credit TWOP) and his wife who really make my skin crawl, a couple of New Jersey police detectives with matching handlebar mustaches and a gay brother/straight brother duo from New York that can’t drive a stick. (mental note – when applying for the amazing race, learn to drive stick. Duh.) Anyway if you aren’t watching, you should be!

But if you can only watch one reality show this spring (really – five is the minimum) it must be Survivor! The first four episodes of Heroes vs. Villains have been genius. I love all the old “favorites” that are back for more. I admit that it’s easier to know that I wanted to invest time in this season because I already knew some of the characters. But I don’t even think you have to have been a fan to love this season. Boston Rob is genius whether it’s the first time or the third. Many of these people were from seasons I didn’t see, and I’ve quickly gotten up to speed on their games. And already my opinions on some of these faves have changed – no longer a fan of James or Rupert. Sort of turning the tide to like Coach and even Tyson. Still love Boston Rob, JT, Jerri, Colby and Parvati. You should be watching this — it’s a helluva game so far.